Stronger.

Hey guys, I was having one of those reflective, contemplative type days today. It still amazes me to see how far I've come, and how much things have changed. I used to hate myself. I used to cry myself to sleep every single night, because I could think of nothing worse than waking up and still being me the next day. That seems a million miles away. But this got me thinking... did I ever really hate myself , or did I just hate my habits and thought processes? I was expecting to hate myself when I gained weight, because I thought that it was being skinny that kept me away from that awful place of self-hatred, but I found that as I gained weight, I simply didn't feel much different about myself. I had changed too much from that time in my life. I don't know if this will make a lot of sense to anyone. I would just like you to consider that maybe, deep down, you don't hate yourself as an entire whole (there are so many parts of yourself), but actually just want to

Hey guys, My hair falling out was one of the main reasons that I chose to recover. It was that final sign that things just weren't okay, and never would be unless I changed my ways. I dyed and bleached my hair a lot throughout my ED, so that of course also had a negative impact and my hair ended up being not-so-great. I'm hoping that a few months down the line I'll be able to do a great before-and-after, but for the moment, this is what I'm doing to try and repair the damage. I'm using baby shampoo as it's a lot less harsh on my hair, and also removes less of the hair-dye so that I do not have to dye it as frequently I've switched to a semi-permanent hair dye and will be returning to my natural colour when it fades out When possible, I'm using my fingers or a wide-combed brush to comb through my hair (especially when it's wet!) so that I don't tear it or create split ends I'm only straightening it when strictly necessary, and al

Hey guys, I know a lot of people struggle to get a sufficient intake to become an ideal weight during recovery, and, whilst I recommend working with a nutritionist or counselor to resolve the underlying issues and help you become more comfortable with an increased intake and volume, this is my advice for getting sufficient energy in the meantime. I also want to point out that I am in no way a nutritionist, I am just pointing out what worked for me! 😊 Smoothies are great if you struggle with an increased volume. To these, you can add things like nut butter, seeds, coconut oil, avocados, dates, bananas and protein powder Cook foods in oil where possible, rather than water Opt for dried fruit rather than fresh Add extra toppings to your oatmeal , such as coconut chips, peanut butter, dark chocolate, bananas, dates, nuts and/or seeds Swap simple side salads for those featuring nuts, beans, seeds, extra veggies etc.  Switch side salads for things like beans or mushy peas w

Hey guys, Recently, I've seen a lot of before and after pics floating around, and I often end up comparing myself to them. In many cases, the person goes from emaciated to fit. Sometimes it makes me judge myself, and wonder if my recovery has gone 'wrong' since I'm not ripped and lean like they are. I know this isn't the case, however. It's difficult to not create a comparison, but, if anyone is struggling with this like I am, these are the things I bear in mind: Many of these people have been recovered for years, and only built muscle after being declared a healthy weight and fit to exercise  If I've been told not to exercise, it's for my own good - I can do all that later, but, right now, my health is a priority My weight has not redistributed yet - it may take 6 months to a year to fully redistribute Realistically, immediately after weight restoration, I may not like my shape, but I must accept it because with a continued healthy lifestyle

Hey guys, I have had other friends with EDs, and I know that a really prevalent fear that comes with recovering is the fear of losing your identity. EDs are all-consuming, so much so that you rarely think of anything else. All your hobbies relate to food and/or exercise - you have a passion for the gym, food shopping, are suddenly interested in nutrition, making and gathering recipes, or cooking. So when you think of leaving your ED behind... what are you left with? This is the scary bit. But it's also great. It's an opportunity to totally reinvent yourself, and be the person that you want to be. For some people, it's exciting to go back to who they were and revisit old hobbies, but for others, like myself, they're terrified of being the person that they used to be. But the thing is, when you strip away your ED, you're left with a blank canvas, and you can fill it with whatever you want. This is the time to create a life, and live your dreams (even if you don

Hi guys, Before I started weight restoration, all I could think of were negatives. I thought I would look ugly in my clothes, that I would be fat, and that I would hate myself. But truly, this has not been the case. Many of the things that I thought would be awful were actually quite nice. That's not to say, of course, that there haven't been bad days. There are days when I miss being underweight, and they're quite frequent, but I don't feel the need to act on these thoughts: it is necessary for me to be the weight I am, and this body enables me to live the active and long life I wish to. I still think I look good, even if I look different. But I'm getting off topic. Here are some of the best things about weight restoration, from my personal experience: Buying new clothes and investing in my appearance - I used to have cheap clothes because my weight changed so much, but now I'm really getting quality things that I like Reinventing myself as a perso

Hi guys, I know I often talk about clothing having a positive impact in making my weight gain more bearable, and I really do feel like my attire has helped me a lot, so I thought that maybe I'd offer some advice to anyone reading who perhaps doesn't feel so confident in the clothes they are wearing at the moment. I also think it's really beneficial to get rid of - or at least box up - clothes that are too small or that you won't feel comfortable in, and you can instead invest in some really lovely new clothes to celebrate when you're weight restored 😊 So... onto the list: Long, baggy tops - I actually got mine from the men's section as they were wider and longer, which was a huge relief for me as it is usually my hips and thighs that I am conscious of Jeans - Mom jeans, boyfriend jeans, girlfriend jeans (anything that isn't skinny fit, really - unless of course you are feeling confident about your legs and are sure that they will fit you througho

Hey, I'm pretty sure it's evident from my blog so far that I'm a fan of lists. They help me organise my thinking. I know that relapse is really prevalent among ED sufferers, and I really, really don't want that to be the case for me. Whilst I'm recovering, I thought I'd draw up the physical consequences of my ED before I forget, hopefully stopping me from wanting to pursue an underweight body ever again. I'm mostly listing physical consequences here because they can't be denied. I think it's easier for me to shrug off mental symptoms or justify them, though of course they are not healthy either. This is just what helps me keep a clear perspective on how terrible my ED was for my body. Very low heart rate Low BP Seeing black spots when running Tiredness walking up the stairs Insomnia Amenhorrea Hair falling out Feeling cold all the time Tooth damage Chest pain [showing my heart muscle was weakening] Difficulty digesting food Stom

Hey team, I'm not feeling so great today. Every day since I've hit the healthy weight mark, I've gone over my maintenance. I've not got my period back, so I know I probably do need to gain a few more pounds, but there's still a part of me that wants to be minimally healthy, I guess. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. It's the calorie counting that's getting me down rather than my actual weight, I think. I hate this habit and yet I just can't  haven't been able to stop. Tomorrow is a new day, however, so I'm planning to make a list today to help me move on and not count tomorrow. I'm gonna make it colourful because I could really use a bit of positivity right now. If I go over my maintenance by even a small bit, it results in a binge when I count calories (such as now, and I don't want to feel this disgusted at myself again) Calorie requirements aren't the same every day, so I can't even gage my maintenence 

Hi guys, For motivation, I thought I'd make a list of everything I'm fighting for. Eating the amount I actually fancy rather than a serving size Eating cake on my birthday rather than some low calorie mush that I've made Spending days out at the beach rather than the supermarket Reading fashion/travel blogs and watching those videos rather than ones about health or food Indulging in chick flicks and chocolate on my period rather than wondering if I'll be infertile for life Enjoying all my favourite sports again Being able to share a bag of crisps with my friends rather than worrying about whether I'll be able to log the actual amount that I had Being able to focus on my school work and knowing I've done the best that I could Having the ability to lie in in the morning Getting drunk with my friends without worrying about the calories Going clothes shopping and judging the outfit rather than myself Letting go of perfectionism Rekindling old frie

Hi, A few times when I was in the process of gaining weight, I exceeded the amount on my meal plan. I felt awful . I felt like I was gaining too much too quickly, and sometimes I thought that I'd swapped anorexia for binge-eating disorder. Sometimes I ate because I was hungry, sometimes it was just because I didn't want to resist the food. Both of these reasons are okay. You have to bear in mind that, in recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, the calories that you consume aren't going to fat immediately. Every calorie you consume is restoring you; it's making your hair thicker, it's making you warmer, it's repairing your heart, it's restoring your brain cells, it's aiding your hormones to help you sleep; it's undoing damage to your muscles and so much more. The damage from an eating disorder takes a huge toll on your body, whether you are aware of it or not, and I can assure you that not all of that extra weight is fat, nor are any of

Hi, So today I did it; I reached the healthy BMI range. I have mixed feelings really, and none of them were what I was expecting. When I was at my lowest weight, I really believed that by the time that I got here I would hate myself, and immediately want to relapse. I thought I would feel like a failure, and regret my decision. But I don't. Not at all. Really, I feel quite surprised - but I still like my body, and I didn't think I could if I was a healthy weight! And even more surprisingly, but I still look too thin, actually - maybe I should gain some more? Yep, that was the shocker. And there was also a little bit of but I'm gonna miss eating this much peanut butter . Definitely not the feelings I was expecting. Truly, I'm so happy. I'm healthy now (or at least very close to being), at last. My BPM has gone from the 40s to 80. My BP has improved. I have so much more energy. My hair has stopped falling out so much. I can get to sleep at night. It feels as

Hi team, I'm actually coping okay with the weight gain at the moment. I can actually feel some clarity coming back into my mind, which is wonderful; I'm sleeping most nights, and the bodies I once aspired to now seem too thin, as does my own body whilst I'm still weight restoring. I never thought I'd say any of that. But here we are. Anywho, I still get not-so positive days. It's to be expected. And it's okay. The main thing is to have a healthy outlet, one that doesn't involve losing weight or punishing myself. These tips may not work for everyone, but they've been handy for me on what I refer to as "the black days". When you look in the mirror and don't like what you see... Do a silly dance, or pull a funny face Say something silly (you might feel like an idiot, but I find it pretty difficult to be sad if I'm repeatedly saying "Boopity boop", or "Fluffy kittens") Make a list of the top 10 things yo

Hi team, Weight gain is the hardest part of recovery for me. I'm having a hard time with it. I'm scared of the associations and bad experiences I had at my healthy weight, I'm scared of other people seeing me change, I'm scared of seeing myself change... but I need to do it. I know that ultimately, my body is a place to live, and, if I'm not a healthy weight, I'm deteriorating. Like I said, I'm struggling a lot with it myself, but there are good days as well as the bad, so I thought that I'd make a list of things that are helping me cope at the moment. Things that help: Wearing baggy clothing (I had to buy new, but changing up my style is quite refreshing) Getting rid of all my old clothes that I knew wouldn't fit me Moving (nothing intense, just walking, yoga, or weightlifting) Spending time around other, healthy, people -  I know that I personally always underestimate the average person's weight and, as the internet a wasps' ne

Hi team, This may not work for everyone, but, for me, it really helps to disassociate with my body somewhat during recovery. I'm aiming not to feel totally disconnected of course, but it reassures me to know that I am not my legs, or my stomach, or my arms, or even my face. These are just things that make up the body I have, and that body is the mode of transport for my life. Nothing more, nothing less. But it's still a pretty fantastic thing. I decided to try and make a big ol' list (yep, I love lists) for all the things that we should try to appreciate about our bodies. Your blood carries platelets to control the bleeding every time you get a cut Your brain can create the most beautiful dreams whilst you sleep Your brain makes sure that you always carry on breathing, even when you're asleep Your bones can repair themselves after you break them Your blood can cure you of viruses and make you better again Your legs and arms allow you to dance and express

Hi guys, I'm quite lucky to say I've never had any strong 'fear foods' in the sense that these foods cause genuine anxiety and panic, however there are certain foods that I go out of my way to avoid or generally feel uncomfortable at the thought of eating. So... this is my list! ('Semi-fear') foods I would like to eat: Stroganoff Pasta Stir fry Shepard's pie Pancakes Tacos Enchiladas Quiche Crumble Ice cream Afternoon tea Fruit juice Risotto Crisp sandwiches Sausage sandwiches Afternoon tea A pasty American pancake stacks Croissants Sweet waffles Cinnamon rolls Ice lollies Foods I would like to cook/bake (again, on some occasions - I always loved baking!): Praline Scones Cider Beer Kombucha Lattes Polish-style stuffed cabbage Bread and butter pudding Coconut yoghurt Pumpkin pie Pecan pie I feel like I should also point out that I'm a vegan, so any recipes for these things on here will be veggie-friendly :)

It's really easy - because of all the ups and downs - to feel like you're getting nowhere in recovery. But I feel like if I document all the positive things I'm achieving (and I'm not expecting these to be every day!), then I might actually realise how far I'm coming. 1st and 2nd: Felt okay in my body 3rd: Managed to lift a new weight on the leg press I managed to sleep without medication! 4th: Actually felt happy and confident in my body I feel like leggings look better on me now than they used to I didn't compensate for eating a lot yesterday Managed to sleep again 5th: Managed to have dinner at a reasonable time Felt pretty good 7th: Tried on my thermals from last winter (it was a cold evening) and they actually worked like they're supposed to! For some reason I was under the impression that thermals were just tighter-than-usual tops, but I feel like this is actually trapping my heat(!) to me 8th: I wore a bikin

Hi warriors, Recovery is hard. It's demotivating. You fight for so long to get down to a low weight, that having to gain weight just feels... wrong. But it's not. I promise you it's not. Everyone has different reasons for recovery - more individual ones, like specific hobbies and interests that they want to return to - but here is my fairly generic list. To have healthy, thick hair More energy To truly enjoy food, rather than fearing it To be able to have children some day To be able to travel without fears for your blood pressure To be able to run a charity race without fears for your heart health To be able to concentrate and perform better at work/school So that you can give good cuddles again So that you can make your family and friends proud So that you can be there for your friends, and celebrate birthdays with them rather than cancelling because the food horrifies you So that one day, someone can make you breakfast in bed, and you'll be able to a

Hi, I'm A! I'm currently in recovery from anorexia, and will be using this blog for my thoughts and to document anything that helps me along the way. I'm hoping that it will keep me accountable, and that one day I'll be able to look back and see how far I've come. I'm not really sure 100% what direction this blog will take - recovery isn't the same for anyone - but if you stick around, hopefully there will be some good and happy times to come :)