Stronger.

Hey guys, I was having one of those reflective, contemplative type days today. It still amazes me to see how far I've come, and how much things have changed. I used to hate myself. I used to cry myself to sleep every single night, because I could think of nothing worse than waking up and still being me the next day. That seems a million miles away. But this got me thinking... did I ever really hate myself , or did I just hate my habits and thought processes? I was expecting to hate myself when I gained weight, because I thought that it was being skinny that kept me away from that awful place of self-hatred, but I found that as I gained weight, I simply didn't feel much different about myself. I had changed too much from that time in my life. I don't know if this will make a lot of sense to anyone. I would just like you to consider that maybe, deep down, you don't hate yourself as an entire whole (there are so many parts of yourself), but actually just want to ...

Hey guys, I have had other friends with EDs, and I know that a really prevalent fear that comes with recovering is the fear of losing your identity. EDs are all-consuming, so much so that you rarely think of anything else. All your hobbies relate to food and/or exercise - you have a passion for the gym, food shopping, are suddenly interested in nutrition, making and gathering recipes, or cooking. So when you think of leaving your ED behind... what are you left with? This is the scary bit. But it's also great. It's an opportunity to totally reinvent yourself, and be the person that you want to be. For some people, it's exciting to go back to who they were and revisit old hobbies, but for others, like myself, they're terrified of being the person that they used to be. But the thing is, when you strip away your ED, you're left with a blank canvas, and you can fill it with whatever you want. This is the time to create a life, and live your dreams (even if you don...

Hi guys, Before I started weight restoration, all I could think of were negatives. I thought I would look ugly in my clothes, that I would be fat, and that I would hate myself. But truly, this has not been the case. Many of the things that I thought would be awful were actually quite nice. That's not to say, of course, that there haven't been bad days. There are days when I miss being underweight, and they're quite frequent, but I don't feel the need to act on these thoughts: it is necessary for me to be the weight I am, and this body enables me to live the active and long life I wish to. I still think I look good, even if I look different. But I'm getting off topic. Here are some of the best things about weight restoration, from my personal experience: Buying new clothes and investing in my appearance - I used to have cheap clothes because my weight changed so much, but now I'm really getting quality things that I like Reinventing myself as a perso...

Hey, I'm pretty sure it's evident from my blog so far that I'm a fan of lists. They help me organise my thinking. I know that relapse is really prevalent among ED sufferers, and I really, really don't want that to be the case for me. Whilst I'm recovering, I thought I'd draw up the physical consequences of my ED before I forget, hopefully stopping me from wanting to pursue an underweight body ever again. I'm mostly listing physical consequences here because they can't be denied. I think it's easier for me to shrug off mental symptoms or justify them, though of course they are not healthy either. This is just what helps me keep a clear perspective on how terrible my ED was for my body. Very low heart rate Low BP Seeing black spots when running Tiredness walking up the stairs Insomnia Amenhorrea Hair falling out Feeling cold all the time Tooth damage Chest pain [showing my heart muscle was weakening] Difficulty digesting food Stom...

Hi guys, For motivation, I thought I'd make a list of everything I'm fighting for. Eating the amount I actually fancy rather than a serving size Eating cake on my birthday rather than some low calorie mush that I've made Spending days out at the beach rather than the supermarket Reading fashion/travel blogs and watching those videos rather than ones about health or food Indulging in chick flicks and chocolate on my period rather than wondering if I'll be infertile for life Enjoying all my favourite sports again Being able to share a bag of crisps with my friends rather than worrying about whether I'll be able to log the actual amount that I had Being able to focus on my school work and knowing I've done the best that I could Having the ability to lie in in the morning Getting drunk with my friends without worrying about the calories Going clothes shopping and judging the outfit rather than myself Letting go of perfectionism Rekindling old frie...

Hi team, I'm actually coping okay with the weight gain at the moment. I can actually feel some clarity coming back into my mind, which is wonderful; I'm sleeping most nights, and the bodies I once aspired to now seem too thin, as does my own body whilst I'm still weight restoring. I never thought I'd say any of that. But here we are. Anywho, I still get not-so positive days. It's to be expected. And it's okay. The main thing is to have a healthy outlet, one that doesn't involve losing weight or punishing myself. These tips may not work for everyone, but they've been handy for me on what I refer to as "the black days". When you look in the mirror and don't like what you see... Do a silly dance, or pull a funny face Say something silly (you might feel like an idiot, but I find it pretty difficult to be sad if I'm repeatedly saying "Boopity boop", or "Fluffy kittens") Make a list of the top 10 things yo...

Hi team, Weight gain is the hardest part of recovery for me. I'm having a hard time with it. I'm scared of the associations and bad experiences I had at my healthy weight, I'm scared of other people seeing me change, I'm scared of seeing myself change... but I need to do it. I know that ultimately, my body is a place to live, and, if I'm not a healthy weight, I'm deteriorating. Like I said, I'm struggling a lot with it myself, but there are good days as well as the bad, so I thought that I'd make a list of things that are helping me cope at the moment. Things that help: Wearing baggy clothing (I had to buy new, but changing up my style is quite refreshing) Getting rid of all my old clothes that I knew wouldn't fit me Moving (nothing intense, just walking, yoga, or weightlifting) Spending time around other, healthy, people -  I know that I personally always underestimate the average person's weight and, as the internet a wasps' ne...

Hi team, This may not work for everyone, but, for me, it really helps to disassociate with my body somewhat during recovery. I'm aiming not to feel totally disconnected of course, but it reassures me to know that I am not my legs, or my stomach, or my arms, or even my face. These are just things that make up the body I have, and that body is the mode of transport for my life. Nothing more, nothing less. But it's still a pretty fantastic thing. I decided to try and make a big ol' list (yep, I love lists) for all the things that we should try to appreciate about our bodies. Your blood carries platelets to control the bleeding every time you get a cut Your brain can create the most beautiful dreams whilst you sleep Your brain makes sure that you always carry on breathing, even when you're asleep Your bones can repair themselves after you break them Your blood can cure you of viruses and make you better again Your legs and arms allow you to dance and express...

Hi warriors, Recovery is hard. It's demotivating. You fight for so long to get down to a low weight, that having to gain weight just feels... wrong. But it's not. I promise you it's not. Everyone has different reasons for recovery - more individual ones, like specific hobbies and interests that they want to return to - but here is my fairly generic list. To have healthy, thick hair More energy To truly enjoy food, rather than fearing it To be able to have children some day To be able to travel without fears for your blood pressure To be able to run a charity race without fears for your heart health To be able to concentrate and perform better at work/school So that you can give good cuddles again So that you can make your family and friends proud So that you can be there for your friends, and celebrate birthdays with them rather than cancelling because the food horrifies you So that one day, someone can make you breakfast in bed, and you'll be able to a...