Stronger.

Hey, I'm pretty sure it's evident from my blog so far that I'm a fan of lists. They help me organise my thinking. I know that relapse is really prevalent among ED sufferers, and I really, really don't want that to be the case for me. Whilst I'm recovering, I thought I'd draw up the physical consequences of my ED before I forget, hopefully stopping me from wanting to pursue an underweight body ever again. I'm mostly listing physical consequences here because they can't be denied. I think it's easier for me to shrug off mental symptoms or justify them, though of course they are not healthy either. This is just what helps me keep a clear perspective on how terrible my ED was for my body. Very low heart rate Low BP Seeing black spots when running Tiredness walking up the stairs Insomnia Amenhorrea Hair falling out Feeling cold all the time Tooth damage Chest pain [showing my heart muscle was weakening] Difficulty digesting food Stom...

Hey team, I'm not feeling so great today. Every day since I've hit the healthy weight mark, I've gone over my maintenance. I've not got my period back, so I know I probably do need to gain a few more pounds, but there's still a part of me that wants to be minimally healthy, I guess. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. It's the calorie counting that's getting me down rather than my actual weight, I think. I hate this habit and yet I just can't  haven't been able to stop. Tomorrow is a new day, however, so I'm planning to make a list today to help me move on and not count tomorrow. I'm gonna make it colourful because I could really use a bit of positivity right now. If I go over my maintenance by even a small bit, it results in a binge when I count calories (such as now, and I don't want to feel this disgusted at myself again) Calorie requirements aren't the same every day, so I can't even gage my maintenence  ...

Hi guys, For motivation, I thought I'd make a list of everything I'm fighting for. Eating the amount I actually fancy rather than a serving size Eating cake on my birthday rather than some low calorie mush that I've made Spending days out at the beach rather than the supermarket Reading fashion/travel blogs and watching those videos rather than ones about health or food Indulging in chick flicks and chocolate on my period rather than wondering if I'll be infertile for life Enjoying all my favourite sports again Being able to share a bag of crisps with my friends rather than worrying about whether I'll be able to log the actual amount that I had Being able to focus on my school work and knowing I've done the best that I could Having the ability to lie in in the morning Getting drunk with my friends without worrying about the calories Going clothes shopping and judging the outfit rather than myself Letting go of perfectionism Rekindling old frie...

Hi, A few times when I was in the process of gaining weight, I exceeded the amount on my meal plan. I felt awful . I felt like I was gaining too much too quickly, and sometimes I thought that I'd swapped anorexia for binge-eating disorder. Sometimes I ate because I was hungry, sometimes it was just because I didn't want to resist the food. Both of these reasons are okay. You have to bear in mind that, in recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, the calories that you consume aren't going to fat immediately. Every calorie you consume is restoring you; it's making your hair thicker, it's making you warmer, it's repairing your heart, it's restoring your brain cells, it's aiding your hormones to help you sleep; it's undoing damage to your muscles and so much more. The damage from an eating disorder takes a huge toll on your body, whether you are aware of it or not, and I can assure you that not all of that extra weight is fat, nor are any of ...

Hi, So today I did it; I reached the healthy BMI range. I have mixed feelings really, and none of them were what I was expecting. When I was at my lowest weight, I really believed that by the time that I got here I would hate myself, and immediately want to relapse. I thought I would feel like a failure, and regret my decision. But I don't. Not at all. Really, I feel quite surprised - but I still like my body, and I didn't think I could if I was a healthy weight! And even more surprisingly, but I still look too thin, actually - maybe I should gain some more? Yep, that was the shocker. And there was also a little bit of but I'm gonna miss eating this much peanut butter . Definitely not the feelings I was expecting. Truly, I'm so happy. I'm healthy now (or at least very close to being), at last. My BPM has gone from the 40s to 80. My BP has improved. I have so much more energy. My hair has stopped falling out so much. I can get to sleep at night. It feels as...

Hi team, I'm actually coping okay with the weight gain at the moment. I can actually feel some clarity coming back into my mind, which is wonderful; I'm sleeping most nights, and the bodies I once aspired to now seem too thin, as does my own body whilst I'm still weight restoring. I never thought I'd say any of that. But here we are. Anywho, I still get not-so positive days. It's to be expected. And it's okay. The main thing is to have a healthy outlet, one that doesn't involve losing weight or punishing myself. These tips may not work for everyone, but they've been handy for me on what I refer to as "the black days". When you look in the mirror and don't like what you see... Do a silly dance, or pull a funny face Say something silly (you might feel like an idiot, but I find it pretty difficult to be sad if I'm repeatedly saying "Boopity boop", or "Fluffy kittens") Make a list of the top 10 things yo...

Hi team, Weight gain is the hardest part of recovery for me. I'm having a hard time with it. I'm scared of the associations and bad experiences I had at my healthy weight, I'm scared of other people seeing me change, I'm scared of seeing myself change... but I need to do it. I know that ultimately, my body is a place to live, and, if I'm not a healthy weight, I'm deteriorating. Like I said, I'm struggling a lot with it myself, but there are good days as well as the bad, so I thought that I'd make a list of things that are helping me cope at the moment. Things that help: Wearing baggy clothing (I had to buy new, but changing up my style is quite refreshing) Getting rid of all my old clothes that I knew wouldn't fit me Moving (nothing intense, just walking, yoga, or weightlifting) Spending time around other, healthy, people -  I know that I personally always underestimate the average person's weight and, as the internet a wasps' ne...